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by: Paul Bavill

If you're reading this guide then you have my condolences. We've all been there before and I assure you you're not alone. But the fact that you're here is a good thing. Well done, you're on the road to recovery.

Before we bring you out on the other side of this emotional quagmire, with a new spring in your step and a new outlook on the single life, Id like to take a moment to examine what you are currently feeling and what you can do with this.

Is she coming back?

There's no real easy way to say this. No. She left for a reason, and whether that reason is you or her its fairly terminal. You need to approach this from the belief that shes not coming back. This is crucial.

While you are thinking like this you are in for a double blow. You are already in enough agony on the basis that she left. By clinging to the hope that she will return you are going to get the horrid realization, one day, that she isn't, that she doesn't feel that she made a mistake and you will feel the same pain again.

You can cut this pain short. You are in control here.

Many men in your situation (myself included, I've been here before) fall into the same routine. They sit staring out of the window, or at the bottom of a JD bottle thinking about the past, wondering where it all went wrong, thinking over any one of a hundred What If? scenarios.

They make their current state of heartbreak even worse. Don't do this. You have an ex that's dealt out all the heartbreak you need at the moment. You don't need to punish yourself; you've done nothing wrong.

Its time to stop focusing on the past. You have a future ahead of you and, after a bit of emotional re-wiring, its going to be an exciting one.

The Difficulties of Moving On.

Everybody agrees that the best way to get past your ex and move on is to meet someone new. While this is easy in theory, in practice it is somewhat challenging. More so for men. This is because when it comes to the all-important first contact situation, it is the man that does most of the work.

All the girl has to do is be somewhere looking pretty. We have to make the confident approach, turn on the charm, get the drinks in etc. For the recently thrown-out this confidence is harder to come by, after all do you really need to go through any more rejection than you've just been through?

If you've been in a long-term relationship then your skills will probably be a little out-dated. I remember the time I had to do a pick up and first date for the first time in 7 years. Its not easy.

All this with a shattered ego is a recipe for disaster and the cycle will just leave you twice as bad as you were before. So before we march out on the prowl, there are a few things you need to take care of first:

The Quick Healing Process

Don't Dwell

This is the most important step, you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and start doing something else. Find something that can give you the emotional slap in the face you need to break the chain.

My own weapon of choice was the following in one night:

- Large quantity of favourite drink

- Pretty Hate Machine by the Nine Inch Nails (great for being angry with women)

-  6 Episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Now this is just me but I imagine you can see the Crash Therapy this provides. Once you have this out of the way we can get on with the rest of your life.

Get back the people who really matter.

There will be friends that you haven't seen for some time, maybe even the ones that didn't like your ex. These are great. They are great because they don't sit around telling you to focus on the good times. They give you reasons to be grateful its over. I cant stress this one enough.

Lets not forget the family either. They will give you all the help and support you ask for, no matter what has happened.

Lose the History.

The women have this wonderful thing. The Ritual Burning. They get rid of all the photos, presents, clothes he may have left behind etc. This works.

I don't want to get all lifestyle guru here, but this is a good thing. Having all those photos of you looking happy together are not helping you move on. They are more likely to have you sobbing into your 10th beer and having to start all over again. If the memories are that great, you wont need the photo to remember them.

Next, if you're living in the same place as you were when you were together then move the furniture or redecorate, or both. A change is as good as a rest.

You now have nothing round to accidentally remind you of your old flame.

Repair yourself.

As we mentioned before, your damaged confidence is going to be the kiss of death to any new relationship out there. So we need the new you.

Start by doing some different things to what you used to do. There is an old phrase that says Do what you've done and you'll get what you got. We don't want to get back anyone like your ex as history has a nasty habit of repeating itself.

Take some classes, take up a new sport, eat at some new restaurants or take in a new club. Anything new. These new venues and activities get you out into a new social circle with people who have no knowledge of you at all. You can be the new you.

Once you're happily able to talk to women again, you will have met quite a few and these women know other women who are just perfect for you.

And the Final Ultimate Revenge

Its time to change yourself for the better. As we've mentioned already, sitting and pouring over the old flame is going to do you no good. Additionally, sitting and pouring over the old you is not going to do you any good either.

Take this opportunity to do what you couldn't do before when you had to take her feelings into account. Get out there and succeed.

I wanted revenge on my ex for that which she had done to me. There is no greater revenge than running into your ex 2 years later when you've lost weight, toned up, doubled your salary and have a Japanese lingerie model hanging off your arm. That's the time when shell regret leaving you.

Its the start of your new life. Many men don't get this opportunity. Use it well my friend.

Paul Bavill writes for shortly to be launched dating service Single Mingle (www.singlemingle.co.uk).

BREAKING UP